In Between
by bromance
Summary: The story is about the one month we didn’t see. The month between Episode 5.12 and 5.13! And it is from Nathan’s POV.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** In Between (5.12 and 5.13)  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything

**About:** The story is about the one month we didn't see. The month between Episode 5.12 and 5.13! And it is from Nathan's POV.

**Summary:** I looked down to my hands. My fingers played with my weddingring. I always do that when I'm getting nervous. „Look, it's… I'm not a very proud person. My father never let me be proud of myself, I was never good enough. I can hide that, but… I know my limits. I always knew my talent and it was all about the game. I knew I was good. And now it's gone and there is nothing left I know I'm good in. I'm only a hsuband and a father now and… I wanted to be as good as I can."

**Note:** I'm a german girl… so my english is NOT perfect. Please don't be so strict when you read it. Thanks to Nikki, Tina and Anika for proofreading!

* * *

I could have gone earlier. Jamie fell asleep very quickly, he was tired. After he told us that it was Carrie who kidnapped him and Dan who saved him, all he said was „I'm fine" and nothing more. Sleeping in the „big bed" is always something special, but I guess if he wouldn't agreed to sleep here, Haley would have stayed with him in his bed.

I knew I couldn't defer it forever. I thought about pretending to be asleep, maybe she would not wake me up. But it wouldn't change anything. I don't live here anymore, not at the moment. So I left the room and closed the door behind me.

This whole day seemed to be unreal. I had plans. I wanted this wedding to change something between me and Haley. I thought, maybe we could dance und talk and maybe we could clarify things.

Haley waited at the floor. She wasn't that pale anymore, but I knew she was still shocked. She looked at me, sighed quietly and before I realized what's going on she put her arms around me and leaned her head on my chest.

I remembered the dream I had this morning. Or should I call it a fantasy or an idle wish? It was a dream and I felt that I was light years away from getting this dream true, even if I held her in my arms right now. I felt very naive and stupid when I realized that none of my plans would have come true the way I wanted them to come true.

„He's sleeping", I whispered and felt how she got away from me. The moment was over. She went down and I followed her. Downstairs, to the frontdoor. The house was empty, everyone was gone. And a few seconds later I would be gone, too. I really wish it would be so easy as it is in every dream. I wish I could say „I want to come home Haley, I love you" and everything's good again.

She looked upstairs and got pale again.

„Everything is okay", I confirmed to her. And again I realized that I couldn't see anything in her eyes anymore. I still remember the second it happend. Only a few seconds and everything was gone, everything I always built on. I really wish I could turn back time.

„I know, it's just…" She closed her eyes and shook her head. „That day was horrible."

„Yes." It was hard to not touch her. I could not say if I really wanted to hold her or if I wanted her to hold me or if I only wanted to feel her. Or maybe I wanted all of it. But I knew what I didn't wanted to do - I did not wanted to go and I did not want to be alone. „Haley, can we talk?"

„Nathan…", she closed her eyes again and leaned her head back and again, I remembered my dream. I don't think she knew what I felt. Did she ever knew? „I can't… I… I don't know what you want to hear from me?"

I tried to find it again, in her bright brown eyes. A feeling, a thought, a wish, but the wall she had build around herself - the wall I had build - was still there. I only saw tiredness. „That you don't want a divorce. That would be… a good start."

„Not now, okay?"

Not now, not last week… maybe never? It's hard to describe feelings. Sometimes angst and panic ended up in nothing, simply nothing. She won't ask me to stay. She won't tell me that everything's gonna be okay. She won't even tell me that she still loves me. She won't tell me that she was shocked when she said the wanted a divorce and that she doesn't mean it.

She won't yell at me or baste me or cry or damn me. She won't reproach to me, making a compromise or forgive me. She won't do anything.

„I will go." I really tried to be strong. I don't know if it worked out, probably not. I'm not good in hiding feelings. Especially in front of her. „I want to see the kid tomorrow."

„Of course", she nodded.

I would never say it loudly; Is it possible that she doesn't love me anymore? Because if I said it loudly I have to think about that possibilty and I think, if she would ever say that, I would fall apart. And so, I won't ask her. „Good night."

I wished I would have parked the car closer to the house. I wished I could go faster, maybe running, to hide behind the windows, so she couldn't see me anymore.

„I thought about marriage counselling."

I closed my eyes and stopped moving, I stood there and I could hear my own breath. The car was only a few steps away. I turned around and looked at her. „What?"

„Lindsay gave me the name", Haley said. „She said, friends of her managed their crisis with her… with the therapist."

Marriage counselling. Really, I don't want to remember the fizzling my parents made when they „tried" to save their marriage and put me in the middle of their fight. But I'm not like my father, I'm not like Dan. I nodded to her and I tried to say something, but I couldn't. It wasn't an „I love you", it doesn't even was an „We get through it", but it definitly was an „I don't want a divorce".

I went back, pulled her in my arms and I didn't care if she returned it or not, I can't even say if she did or not. All I felt was thankfullness. „Thank you."

* * *

I closed the door and I saw Lucas standing in front of his bed, packing a baggage. „Hey."

He turned around and nodded. „Hey. You're okay? How's Jamie doing?"

„He's fine." I put my keys on the commode and set onto the bed, while he was still packing. „He's very fine. He's much better than Haley or me." I indicated to the begagge. „What are you doing?"

„I will go - for a while. My mum and Andy are going to depart tomorrow. She doesn't want to stay here, now that Dan is… you know?"

„Understandable."

„I will join them."

I nodded. I remembered Karen's face a few hours ago when Dad came into the room. Just like a faint. He was a free man now. Five years after he killed his brother coldblooded he was a free man, but Keith would never come back. „What about Lindsay? Did you talk to her?"

„Yes." Lucas zipped the baggage. It was obvious that he was pretty angry. „I guess she is confused. Well, I hope so. Everythings gonna be okay. If she needs time, she get time." He sighed. „I really don't want to talk about it."

„I'm really sorry about today", I said. I didn't know what else I could say. It must be pretty embarassing to be stood up in front of everyone you know - in a church - after you said "I do". „Today was supposed to be the best day of your life."

Lucas sat down beside me and looked me in the eyes. „Did you talk to Haley?"

„More or less … just a few words."

„She's still stubborn?" he asked.

„She… she wants to do marriage counselling."

„Wow, that's… a good thing, right? Better than a divorce."

Sure, better than a laywer who gave me divorce papers, but not a guarantee for anything. I fell back to the bed. I think I closed my eyes. Self pity could become an addiction very easily. And I guess I was full of self pity. I missed her, I missed Jamie, I missed my life. And I really couldn't see how it was possible that we end up where we were. As ridiculous as it sounds, but… I had done worse things than let a girl kiss me, didn't I?

„She seems so far away. I can't talk to her, you know? The worst part is, it's all my fault. I built that wall."

„Then break it down", Lucas replied.

„I don't know how!"

„She loves you, Nate."

Really everybody seemed to know that. Especially Lucas. Maybe she told him, he's her best friend. „What did she say?"

„Nothing. She doesn't want to talk about."

So, it was all about fantasy. He didn't know if she still loved me, no one knew, except her. „Last week she said that she's done trying to change me or us. And when she say things like that I can't answer her, because when I do, when I ask her, why or if she doesn't love me anymore… the answer's probably killing me." I looked at him. „I'm really scared, Luke."

* * *

Next morning I got a call from Haley that Jamie insisted to go to school. She told me that if I wanted to, I could take him home after school. She ordered me to be at school on time, as if I ever were too late. But okay, I was there ten minutes earlier than I had to be and I saw… my father. He stood behind the wall and he was watching the school. I did not talk to him.

Jamie babbled the whole time. He did not talk about Carrie or the abduction, he only talked about the school and Chester, his bunny. He seemed as if the last day never happend. He babbled and babbled and really, I don't remember what he told me.

Haley waited at home. Principal Turner agreed to let her stay home the whole week. Unlike Jamie, she wasn't over it, what had happend and I got the feeling that it did not worked out very well for me that Carrie turned out to be a Psycho Nanny.

I stood there and watched them, my wife and my son. The hug, the eskimo-kiss and new babbeling about school. My family … but I wasn't a part of them anymore. I felt like a stranger in my own house.

„Do you stay for lunch, daddy?" Jamie asked me and pulled me out of my thoughts. „Maybe you can help me with my homework."

Homework? Me? Haley looked at me, I looked at her and I guess we had the exact same thoughts. It was a very brief moment, but it was a beautiful moment. Almost like it used to be.

„Sure", she nodded to Jamie. „Daddy is gonna help you and then I'm gonna read it back."

Well, yes, that's the way it probably would work out.

„Sweet, I go feed Chester. Come on, daddy!"

„Yeah, I will", I replied and watched him running upstairs. I was alone with her, alone in the kitchen. Instinctively I looked at the ceiling. Probably it wouldn't start raining now. I sighed and turned around. „He doesn't talk about it. The teacher said, he was totally normal, not quiet and not nervous. I guess he gets through it much better than we do."

„When I told him that he's going to stay at home today, all I got was a tired but Moooom…." She gave me a piece of paper with a name and an adress. „I got a date for tomorrow morning. If it's too soon for you, I can…"

„No. No, it's …", I hunched my shoulders und smiled at her. Maybe it looked a little distressed. „The sooner, the better."

„Yeah, maybe." Haley sat down at the table and started reading her students homework. „We will see."

„Yes." The brief moment was defnitly over. She did not look at me anymore, she was totally concentrated on the homework. At least it seemed so. „Tomorrow at 10am."

She nodded and indicated to the stairs. „You should go, he's waiting."

„Yeah." I went to the stairs to go up to Jamie. I felt useless, horrible. There must be a way to broke that wall down. She could not really believe that it was better to stop trying it. So I turned around and got back. „Listen, Haley, I know you don't want to hear it and maybe it doesn't mean anything anymore, but… I don't want you to stop trying to change me or us. All I am, I am because of you. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm doing anything for you. Anything. Please don't give up."

„Daddy!" Jamie called from upstairs. „Come on!"

Great timing, at least for me. Maybe I was chicken, but I was thankfull for that calling, because I avoided an answer that could probably have killed me. „Yeah, I have to go."

„Okay", she said and I really don't know if I ever jumped upstairs so fast.

* * *

We didn't really talked much at lunch. Only once I got a look from my wife. Most of time Jamie was talking and most of time he was talking about Dan. But somehow we avoided an answer. But one day we're gonna have to take care of it. Dan is out of jail, he's back and he saved Jamie and he's my father. As much as I wish everything would be different - that's how it is.

Except a little „I see you tomorrow" I did not got anything from Haley and so we sat at the counsellors office the next morning. A woman with fire red hair, very thin and I guess, somewhere in her fourtys. I remembered the counsellor my parents visited a few years ago and I remembered the fizzling - again. So I decided to be as honest as possible and do whatever it takes to fix this.

I never expected us to be in a situation like this. It was hurtful.

She started with some common questions. How old are we? When did we get married and owing to our age, why did we get married? Was it because of pregnancy? And then she said: „Before we gonna start this, I want the two of you tell me one reason, why you are here. Take the paper in front of you and write it down. Only one reason. And then give me the paper."

I had thousands of reasons. In the end I chose „I do love her". The counsellor took the papers, looked at them and put them aside.

Basketball, music, highschool, college, Lucas, Dan, Jamie, the accident… everything got a brief shot and faster as I expected we got the big theme: Carrie. I felt really uncomfortable, because I knew I was the one who had to answer a lot of questions.

„Did you had any feelings for her, Nathan?" the counsellor asked me.

I felt watched. As well Haley as the therapist looked at me.

„Feelings?" Sad to say that this was the only answer I had in my mind.

„Romantic feelings. Passionate feelings."

Can we name her „_Red Lady_"? Because I really don't remember her name and her hair was like a burning fire.

„No." It felt like beeing in the dock. „I never ever thought about being with her. Never. Not for a second!" And that is the truth. I never thought about that, she wasn't worth of it. No woman is worth of it. I know that if I ever cheat on Haley, I'm gonna loose everything and nothing is worth of that. „I did not take her serious. It was just like… stupid flirting, it didn't mean anything."

„So if Haley starts flirting with another man, it's okay for you?" the _Red Lady_ asked me.

In the beginning I liked that woman, she seemed to be pleasant. Probably she still was, but I felt really really uncomfortable. „What?"

„You said it didn't mean anything, because you never thought about being with her. So it's okay for you, seeing your wife flirting with another man?" she repeat her question.

„I didn't mean that."

„Did you do it more often?" She made some notes on her writing pad before she looked at me again. „Flirting with other women? You are an attractive man, I'm pretty sure there are offers."

„No!" I closed my eyes and I got a little angry. I really don't want to imply that her intentions were bad. I knew I made mistakes, but I felt like a role model for all cheaters in the world and I did not cheat! I tried to stay calm. „I don't do that. I don't want to be with someone else. I never wanted to be with someone else. Carrie was … she was … just there."

„And I wasn't?" Haley interposed.

„No, you weren't." I have to confess, I should have thought about my answer before I answered. But I wasn't willing to bear the whole blame. „You were not there, Haley. Either you were at school or you were at Peytons to help her with Mia. You weren't there."

Haley sighed with a shake of her head. „You're kidding. I was at home every night and I was there every morning and you never said one word, except good morning or good night. But why am I not surprised? You never talk to me!"

Ouch!

„What do you mean, Haley?" the _Red Lady_ broached the subject again.

„He doesn't talk to me", Haley answered. „He does not let me in."

What could I have said or done? Begging for attention? Attention I did not deserve after all I had done. Or could I have said that she should not help Mia because I want her to be with me? „I don't want you to be disappointed."

She looked at me. It was not a good look. „And how often do you have to try it until you realize that as long as you don't let me in things are getting worse in the end?"

„What situation is on your mind, Haley?" the _Red Lady_ intervened.

„More than one situation."

That didn't really looked good for me, right?

„A few years ago, he almost drowned and he didn't talk to me about it, he totally bared me and preferred to spent time with… whoever, he did not talk to me. When I told him that I was pregnant he ran out - twice. He did not talk to me, he made decisions about his future and without me."

„I was shocked!" I tried to justified. „You hid that from me for weeks and your timing was really… sorry… crappy! And by the way, I took it back, I totally stood behind you at the press conference."

„Lets talk about Daunte", Haley opposed.

„Haley that's not fair." That was the worst and the longest night and day of my entire life. I hate to remember, I don't want to. „I did not mean to hurt you."

„But you did", she replied. „And now you did it again. You did not let me in and in the end Carrie was the one who told me that you kissed her and you watched her swim naked. And Jamie told me that he hates me and that he want to have Carrie to be his mother, because you were happier with her."

„I did not kiss her." But that wasn't the point and it wasn't what really hurt me. „I did not know that Jamie said things like that, I'm sorry. He is a kid, he doesn't know what happend."

„No, he believes in what he saw."

Wrong way! But for the first time in weeks it was an emotion. I didn't know what I should say. Nothing sensible and „I'm sorry" seemed to be trite. But I knew that I had to talk to Jamie about that. I remembered when he called Carrie momma by misspoken and even if I never thought about that, because it was just a slip of the tongue, now I felt guilty for not saying anything to him.

„Haley, what did you feel when Jamie said these things to you?" the _Red Lady_ asked. I thought that was a stupid question, I thought I knew how she felt.

„Betrayed", Haley answered. „Belied. Guilty. Lonely. Very lonely. All I wanted was to fix it. I wanted to hear that everythings gonna be okay. I wanted him to say that none of it … is true."

Not the answer I expected.

„But he didn't say that", the _Red Lady_ finished Haley's statement and Haley agreed with a shake of her head.

„Maybe I wasn't home enough", she mumbled and wiped off her tears. „I wanted it to become better and not worse. I wanted it to be… like it used to be."

I looked down. „Yeah."

„Nathan, tell me the difference between the past and the present?" the _Red Lady_ asked me.

The woman could ask you questions that you could easily answer but yet they made you think about it. „Everything."

„Give me an example", she demanded.

I looked down to my hands. My fingers played with my weddingring. I always do that when I'm getting nervous. „Look, it's… I'm not a very proud person. My father never let me be proud of myself, I was never good enough. I can hide that, but… I know my limits. I always knew my talent and it was all about the game. I knew I was good. And now it's gone and there is nothing left I know I'm good in. I'm only a hsuband and a father now and… I wanted to be as good as I can."

„Why do you think you can't manage being a father and husband?" the therapist asked. „You are married more than six years, you must have done something right."

I took a brief look at Haley, but I couldn't stand it. „A few weeks ago we spent a night in the club and there was a musician who pawed Haley", I continued. „I interrupted it and she was angry. We got a fight and the night … was over. It should have been the night, you know? Well … I know why she was angry and I understand that, but… she wouldn't have act like that in the past."

„How would she have act?"

Haley still looked at me, I could feel it.

„As if she needed me. I always knew, she didn't but when we got into situations like that it was good to believe in to be needed. To be a hero. To be… her hero." I felt a little foolish. It was okay to talk to a stranger, it was easier than I expected, but Haley was still there, too.

The _Red Lady_ nodded. „How did you feel that night? When things went out so diffrent?"

Same like I felt since the accident. „Lonely. Needless. Like a failure. I was wondering why I was still there. She doesn't need me." Say it loud was really disenchanting. „And it seemed that she doesn't even want me."

„You still feel so?" she asked.

„Kind of, yes."

„What changed?" She made some notes again and I started to become worried about leaving that office in a few minutes and being alone with Haley.

„I don't live there anymore."

„So, you moved out?" the _Red Lady_ asked.

I didn't, I was getting thrown out. „Well, mh… I was… I… yes. I moved out."

„I threw him out", Haley said with a strong voice. „I couldn't stand it… him. And I did not want to hear any excuses. And honestly, I didn't…"

„Where are you living now Nathan?" the therapist wanted to know.

„At my brothers house. He's on vacation."

„Are you feeling lonelier now than you felt at home for the last month?"

Again a question I started to think about it, even though I thought, the answer was pretty clear.

„Think about it, we will talk about it next week." She smiled at us and nodded. „So, we're close to the end of our first session and I really have to say, it seems that you two had been through a lot in the last years. It's too soon for me to make a statement about your relationship, but I want you to read your reasons why you are here. But before I show you what each of you wrote, I want to tell you, I've never met a couple who wrote the exactly same words." She folded the papers and gave them to us. „I want you to look at each other when you read them."

It was very strange. After all we had said in the last hour it was really hard to look at Haley and got her look back. But we did it. We looked at each other and read it. I opened the paper and saw her words… „I do love him".


	2. Chapter 2

We didn't talk to each other, no one said even one word, it was really weird. We got a new date for the next week and we picked up Jamie from school. Actually, I picked him up, Haley drove home for cooking. Jamie babbled again about something and again, I did not really listen to him. I still thought about the last hour. Was it a good first session? Did I say enough? Did I say the right things? He babbled and babbled and all I remembered was Haley's face when she talked about Jamie.

I stopped the car at the roadside, dropped out and sat down at the backseat beside Jamie. His look at me was very confusing and I didn't know what to say. Was there an easy way to talk about what had happend? Or would it be better to take the straight way?

„Jamie, did you tell your mother that you hate her?"

He was embarassed and he didn't look me in the eyes anymore. He always did that when he felt catched. „Maybe."

„And did you also tell her that you wish, Carrie was your mother?"

I guess if it would have been possible, he would have hid behind his child car seat. „I'm sorry."

„Jamie…"

„Really." He looked at me again, now he wasn't confused anymore, now he looked scared and I felt guilty again, like I felt in the session, when Haley told me that he had said things like that to her. „Is she angry with me?"

„No, she isn't."

„Are you angry with me?" he asked.

„No one is angry with you." I wasn't as innocent as I wished I was. Haley was right. He is a child, he believes in what he sees. And if he really believed that I was happier with Carrie than I am with his mother, I made a lot more mistakes than I thought I did. „Look, I am sorry, too, okay?"

"Did you tell her you hate her, too?"

„No, I didn't." But I also did not tell her that I love her and that I need her and that I want her. So I guess, somehow… maybe… I made her believe the opposite. „I'm sorry for confusing you. It's my fault. It's only my fault. Your mother loves you very much."

„I know."

„And she is …"

„…the best mum in the world." The precocious babbler was back. He grinned at me with a very big smile.

I returned that grin. I also remembered that night we talked. Not for the same reasons like he did, but I did. „Don't ever forget that."

„I won't."

I kissed his forehead. I'm very proud of my kid, I really am. I guess that could be a reason to be proud of myself, too. „Okay, let's go home." I dropped out again and got back to the drivers seat.

„When will you come home, daddy?"

„I don't know. Soon… I think." I hope so. Living somewhere else was one thing, living alone in Lucas house, was something else. I looked at Jamie through the rear-view mirrior. „You know, when I'll be back you won't sleep in the big bed anymore. So, are you really sure, you want me to come home?"

I started laughing when I saw him really thinking about that.

„Actually I like it to sleep there… with mum."

Yeah, me too …

* * *

The nights were really hard. The silence was horrible, the only thing I heard from time to time was the chirring of a cricket. It was dark, only the moonlight fell through the window. And when it was raining I could hear the raindrops. But that was all.

The clock beside me ticked and sometimes I stared on the phone for hours and couldn't sleep. I thought about calling her but I never knew what I should say. There was no child who got scared when a thunderstorm came down. No one who woke up at night and huddled against me. And also no one I could huddle against.

I found a video about our wedding at Lucas house. Well, of course we got the same video at home, but being honest, we never watched it. But the nights were long and I had nothing else to do, so I started watching it. The result was that I fell asleep on the couch and getting awaked by the national anthem on tv.

My new daily routine was that I picked up Jamie from school every afternoon and got him home. Sometimes I stayed for dinner, sometimes not. Sometimes we almost were a family again, sometimes we weren't. When Haley started working again, I had a lot of alone-time with Jamie. Haley did not want him leaving the house. She was very angsty and protective over him.

I felt helpless. I was so helpless that I started to be impatient for the next session. We were allowed to take Jamie with us. The receptionist took care of him. I don't know if this was an exception for us or if it is normally.

Anyway, the second session started out really good. The therapist instructed us, to launch a familyday every week. After a brief question about what had happend last week and an also brief answer that nothing changed, we started to talk about the beginning of our relationship. About the time we fell in love. It seemed to be another lifetime.

Most of time Haley was talking. That was nice. It was really nice. Sometimes she smiled and I guess, sometimes I smiled, too. We both had a lot of great memories about our life. Why did all the bad memories totally overshadowed the good ones?

„He wasn't what I expected", she told. „He was nice and … he could be really charming. He wasn't that stupid scarifier he used to be. Rather he let me in, he talked to me. That was a great feeling."

„Last session you said, one of your biggest problems is that he doesn't let you in?" the _Red Lady_ asked.

„Yes. It was different in the beginning. He had let me in."

„When did that changed?"

So far, so good. I wished the proverbial big holes to hide in were real and I wished there was big hole somewhere I could hide in. The silence was horrible, I knew exactly what's going to happen next. I knew if she started to think about it…

„After the tour", Haley answered soft-spoken and looked at me. I didn't look back, I looked at my hands, while she probably had a big moment of clarity. „O my god. I never thought about that."

Well, it is enough that one of us is still thinking about it …

„Tell me about the tour", the _Red Lady_ said.

Haley still looked at me and I still couldn't look back.

„A few weeks after the first wedding I met a musician at the club. Chris. And suddenly I was on stage and he wanted to sing with me and… he lived that life I always dreamed of. A life with music. He was touring, sang on big stages. It was fascinating. I thought a life like this would be incredible exiting. I thought that's what I wanted."

„It's nothing wrong with dreaming", the therapist answered.

„No, but it's wrong to lie." I could see how she started playing with her fingers. „The tour was a really big chance, but… I guess I did everything wrong what I could have done wrong. I lied to Nathan about the music, about Chris, about my dreams. I kissed Chris. I said no when he asked me to come with him, but after he left I always thought about the what-if-possibility. And when Chris came back and asked me again, I don't wanted to let him go again. I tried to talk to Nathan, but he gave me this ultimatum and I started to revolt."

The _Red Lady_ looked at me. „What was your ultimatum about, Nathan?"

I will never forget that night. „I told her, if she left with Chris, we're done."

„Did you mean it?"

„No, of course not. I just wanted her to stay… with me."

„But she left?"

I nodded. „Three month, two weeks and three days after the wedding." When I counted it back then I felt chased by the 23. And it wasn't a good-luck number anymore, it was more like a curse.

„What did you feel when Haley left you? Were you angry? Disappointed?"

No, I will never forget that night. „I felt lost."

„Did you ever thought you weren't good enough for her?"

„I always thought that, but… when she left I actually thought that I'm not enough. She never asked me to come with her. Whatever she needed, it wasn't me. I couldn't give her what she wanted and she didn't want me anymore."

„That's not true", Haley said with a shake of her head.

„But that's what you felt, Nathan?" the _Red Lady_ asked.

„I never thought she would leave me. I… I trusted her, she was… she was all I had. She was my family. I would have done anything for her. I would have go anywhere with her. But I lost it. And I don't know how I could lose it? How could she choose something else over me? And how can I be sure that it won't happen again?"

I guess my words had hurt her. She didn't say anything, she didn't even looked at me anymore. She looked down and I saw tears on her cheeks. I did not want to make her crying but on the other hand, I have to say, it was really good to talk about it. I've never talked about it before.

„Haley", the therapist spoke to her. „What's your story?"

„I felt guilty", Haley answered. „I knew I handled it wrong. I was childish and I was stubborn and I used his behavior as an excuse for my behavior. You know, like… he gave me the ultimatum, so what else could I do? Or … he doesn't wait, so that's not my fault, right? He told me that he don't want me to come back, so I can stay out on tour, right? I was really base."

„What did you expected him to do? What did you wanted?"

„I don't know. It's really weird. When I was on stage, everything was great. I was happy. But when the gig was over … I was lonely. Every night when I was in the tourbus or the hotelroom, I missed him and I wanted him to be there. But even though I never asked him to come with me. Why? That doesn't make sense to me, it never did and I can't say why I never asked him. I wanted him to unterstand why I left. That is has nothing to do with Chris. That the tour was a big chance for me, a dream come true."

„I did unterstand that, Haley." Now I looked at her and she didn't look back. „I just… wanted to be a part of your dream."

„I was overcharged", Haley continued. „I can't explain it. I… never wanted, I wanted …" Now she looked at me. „I never wanted to hurt you. Never. But I knew I did and I knew you deserved better and that's why I took of my wedding ring. That was the reason. I knew that you cancled the High Flyers for me and I felt guilty and terrible because I did not cancled the tour for you. I got the feeling that it doesn't matter what I do, it's always wrong! And I didn't see another way … back then."

We still looked at each other and I really wanted to touch her, to hold her. And I wanted to tell her that it doesn't matter anymore. It's a long time ago and even if I'm still thinking about it sometimes, I know it's not gonna happen again.

„And today?" the the _Red Lady_ asked.

Haley turned to her and wiped off her tears. „Today I know there always is another way. But unfortunately there's no way to turn back time."

„You came back", the therapist said. „Why?"

„Because of Nathan. Or actually because of me. I wanted to come home. And home is, where he is. The night before I left the tour I fell apart. On stage. I stood there and all I thought was, it's not worth of it. I don't want to lose him."

The _Red Lady_ made some notes on her pad. „Did you ever regretted that you came back?"

„No. Never. I've never missed the music as much as I missed him. And if I can't have both, if I have to choose, I choose him. I can live without music."

* * *

I thought, we should talk about it. We only talked about things at therapy, but we never finished the conversations and I guess, our therapist assumed us to do that. The sessions were great, but one hour a week wouldn't fix us.

Jamie became more and more impatient because of the situation. He wanted to go out, meeting friends and having fun, but Haley was still afraid and in my opinion, much too overprotective. But I knew she was scared and that was understandable, so I didn't say anything. We made a compromise. Jamie's friends met him at home. The result was that he had someone to play with and I was alone in the big house. On one hand it was great, because, as much as I love my son, he's a kid. On the other hand, I had a lot of alone time till Haley came home.

But I got the chance to talk to her, without having to be careful that the kid is running in. „I thought maybe we could talk", I said. „About the last session."

„Yes." We sat down at the kitchen table. „Listen, Nathan, I thought … well, I thought the whole tour thing is past history. I didn't know that you still… that you're still angry about that."

„I'm not."

„Obvisiously you are."

„No, Haley… it's… it's not all about that." To scrutinize your own psyche is really not funny. To question your own acting means to look on your own mistakes. „My whole life I always was… well, the second choice. I never was priority for someone."

She looked really confused. „What does that mean?"

„Like I said. My father chose my mother not because of love, but because of money. It was never about her and also, it was never about me. I can't remember about real friends. We both know why Tim was sticking on me, right?"

„And we both hope that we're wrong, right?" she replied with a smile.

Okay, that was kind of funny. „Well, then there was Peyton, we do not have to talk about that. And also we do not have to talk about any of the other girls I was with, because none of them was really interested in me. And then I met you and…. I guess that was the first time in my life I felt loved for who I am and I felt to be important. So I started to make claims and in the end … I lost it."

She looked down.

„My mother chosed pills over me and my father had a lot of priorities in his life, but … holy, me, as a person, was never one of them. And I want to prevent that… I don't want to seem helpless in front of you. I'm afraid to make claims again, because you probably say no. And I guess that's the main reason why it looks like that I won't let you in."

She thought about taking my hand, I could see it. I wish she would have done it. But I guess we weren't ready for that. She wasn't ready fort hat.

„Okay", she said and closed her eyes briefly before she looked at me. „Nathan… you have friends. Well, maybe you did not always have friends, but today you've got them, because of who you are. Lucas, Skills, Peyton and … none of them would leave you alone when you ask for help."

So I got them all - except her. I didn't say it, I just nodded.

„And… you got me." She looked me in the eyes. „You've got me, I'm here and… I really wish you would let me be a part of your life."

„Haley, you are my life."

„Everytime you don't talk to me, everytime you don't tell me what you feel or what you need, everytime I got it by accident or worse, by someone else than you, I have to believe that you don't trust me and that you don't need me. And that hurts me so bad. I am here, I am your wife and I won't leave you only because you're probably not as strong as you want to be. I want you to need me."

„I do." I remembered the first session, when I talked about the club night. Our feelings seemed to be really similar. It was kind of ironic. Normally we would hug each other after a talk like this and we would promise each other that everything's gonna be okay. And probably it would have gone that way if we had talked about that stuff a few months earlier. And there's only me to blame for, I should have talked to her.

„What do you think?" she asked me.

„Right now?"

„Yeah."

„That I really want to kiss you. And that I miss you." I still hoped for an emotion, I still searched for something in her eyes. „I wondered if you will ever ask me to come home. And if you miss me as much as I miss you. And… I also wondered if I can use the washing machine. I really need to wash some clothes."

She smiled at me. „Of course you can."

„Thanks." The kitchen-ceiling is still fascinating. I never wished for a pipe burst before. „I … I need some more clothes, I go packing some."

„Okay."

Of course I wanted her to say something, I wanted her to ask me to come home, but I knew she wouldn't do it. She would let me go - again.

I packed some stuff and stood in the sleepingroom in front of the family portrait. That picture was only eight months old. I remembered that day. It was two weeks after we moved into this house.

I heard the doorbell and I heard Haley calling Jamie and his friend.

I stood in front of the bathroom and I could see it again. The shower, Carrie, Haley… everything.

I don't know how long I stood there and stared at the shower, but after a while I heard Haley saying my name. I still thought about the moment, the minute that changed everything. „Did I ever tell you that I thought it was you… under the shower?"

„No."

„I did. And… for a few seconds that day seemed to end up really good. The Ravens won and that was a great feeling. You said you loved me and… everything was supposed to be good again. It was the first time since the accident that I thought everything is gonna be okay." Just one second changed everything… it's still unbelievable. „Maybe it was wrong of me to leave, I think I should have stay. I think I should have talked to you and I should have told you everything… maybe I could have prevented it."

„Prevented what?"

I turned to her and looked at her. She looked so vulnerable. „This. The wall you built around yourself. I wish I would know how to break it down."

She nodded. „I wish you wouldn't have lied to me."

Yeah, me too.

„Daddy!" Jamie ran into the sleepingroom and beamed with joy. He gave me a paper and said: „It's for you. So you won't forget us."

Did he really thought that I could ever forget him?

„Did you clean up Chester's cage?" Haley asked him.

Jamie's look was the answer. Obvisously Chester was still stinking like before. „I'm gone."

„I will help you!" she said.

I looked at the paper. It was a family picture, he painted the family. Daddy, momma and me. „I'm working on it", I mumbled.

„What?"

„Nothing!" I looked at her and tried to smile. There was still something between us, like it was for weeks - or maybe for months. I felt like a voyager with the baggage in my hand. „I'll go. See you tomorrow."

„Yeah, bye."

I gave Jamie a little „goodbye" and went down. I wanted to go, I didn't wanted to be in that house anymore, it felt wrong. If that was the result of a talk between Haley and me I never wanted to do it again. I was really angry, I couldn't say about what or who, mostly about myself I guess.

„Nathan."

I stopped and turned around. She came downstairs, she did not look at me, but she looked like she was almost crying. A few seconds later her arms embraced me and she leaned her head on my chest. She grasp me in her arms, it seemed that she tried to hold herself on me.

„Everything's gonna be good again, right?" she sobbed almost soundless.

I couldn't look into her eyes, but I could feel her. And I was so relieved at that moment, I could have stood there forever and hold her. I love her, I need her, I want her… she's everything. „Yeah, everything's gonna be okay."

„I do miss you and I want you to come back. But I can't …"

„I will wait." I answered without thinking about it and I guess I said the right thing. She was hurt and I was the one who hurt her and even if I thought it wasn't that bad what I did, she was hurt. Whatever it takes…

* * *

Nothing happend that week. Some little smalltalk here and there, but nothing more. It was really depressing and slowly but steady it became frustating.

The result was that I went to TRIC and the result from that plan was that I got nearly twenty phonenumbers in one hour and for some reason there always was someone beside me who tried to flirt with me. And the problem was that my memories weren't the best when I thought about my last visit here. So I left the Club and drove through the town. I stopped at the Rivercourt briefly and then I drove home and parked in front of the house. The lights were off. I don't know how long I stood there.

It got me even more depressed. I wanted my life back.

After a while I drove back to Lucas's house. I wasn't even there when my cellphone ring. It was far after midnight and when I recognized our homenumber I got worried something might happend. „Haley?"

„Yeah, it's me. Hi."

„Is everything okay?"

„Yeah, I'm fine. You, too?" she replied.

I sat down on the bed and started to get undressed. „Sure. Why not?"

„Well, I thought maybe because you stood in front of the house more than one hour and did not come in."

Great. I didn't know what to say. Should I asked her why she didn't come out? I did not wanted to start a fight and so I answered as trite as it was. „Well, you know, I don't live there anymore."

„What's wrong, Nathan?"

What did she want to hear? What should be wrong? I sat alone in my brother's house and waited for something to change. I did absolutely not see any possibility to expedite things and I got scared to become depressive. I felt treated unfairly because it seemed that I got a punishment for something I didn't do. And that made me really angry. „Nothing. I… I couldn't sleep."

„Okay."

And that's it. Then I sat there and stared to my cell phone and to my weddingring and then I fell asleep. It was uncomfortable because I lay oblique on the bed and so it was too short for me and I still wore my jeans, which are really not made for sleeping in them. Accordingly I felt absolutely whacked the next morning.

My only trump was the family day which was an advice from our therapist. We went to the playground and it was anything else but relaxed. Jamie had fun and enjoyed it, but Haley was very nervous and uneasy about the whole situation and I… I sat there and lost another day without any chance to change something.

By and by I felt foolish to put all my hopes into the therapy. On the other hand I knew I was totally impatient. And so I picked up Jamie from school every day and stayed till lunch. Then I got back to a house where I didn't live and stared at the ceiling or the TV and started to make plans for the next day, even though I knew none of these plans would work out.

The third session gave me really big hope. Especially because since the second session we talked about thing we loved about each other. Only ten seconds, but great ten seconds. Ten seconds I could be glad about.

We spoke about our familys, our childhood and about us, but about happy times and … we had a lot of great times together. Sometimes we laughed, that was pretty great.

„What about sex?" the _Red Lady_ asked.

Haley and I looked at each other. What did that woman wanted to hear? Honestly, I couldn't remember the last sex, I only remembered the day - for a simply reason.

„Well, sex is really good", Haley nodded.

I grinned. „It must be pretty good if you really remember it."

„When was the last time you two had sex?" the therapist asked.

„Both of us? Together?" I replied.

She laughed at me. „Yes, both of you, togehter."

„Two nights before the accident happend."

„O, that's a really long time."

„Tell me more." Haley sighed and looked at me very confused. „With who else did you had sex?"

I could easily thwarting that look. „I'm pretty good in playing with myself, Hales."

That was our little talk about sex. Last time we had sex was really long ago and it didn't seem that this was going to change soon. Little by little I started to be habituated in cold showers and I detected that I have a really great phantasie.

The whole session war more comfortable than the last ones. The themes weren't less serious, but the mood was different. It wasn't so dramatic, not emotional. At least mostly.

Next theme was our separation after the tour and at the tour. Somehow the _Red Lady_ thought, I would need more therapy than my wife. Sure, she was right, but who wants to hear that? And so we talked about me - again. And somehow she mixed everything together. The first separation, the present separation and everything that mattered.

„You don't want to know me when I am who…. I used to be, trust me." That was my answer to the question, how I was a different person at our first separation.

„Most people hardly dislike it if someone tries to change them", she replied.

„Most people are happy with their life." I hunched my shoudler. „Well, I wasn't unhappy, I didn't ask for a change. It happend. I knew that if I wanted to be with with Haley, I had to be the guy she wanted me to be. And for some reason she really believed that I was that guy."

„She still believes that." Haley looked at me and smiled.

I rejoined that look and the smile. It was nice to hear, but I knew that it wasn't true. I knew there were a lot of moments she didn't believe in it. I turned back to the therapist.

„I'm not as strong as she is … I never was", I continued. „I'm not really independent. Mostly I'm insecure. She can live without me."

„I'm not that strong", Haley disagreed. „I'm afraid to be alone, too."

„But your life goes on." I looked at her again. „Sure, it would be hard in the beginning and probably it would hurt you and… well, maybe you would miss me, but later your life would keep going on and it wouldn't change that much. It wouldn't change who you are. You are Haley. I mean, come on, take a look at still have your job, you have Jamie, you know what you want. Currently I don't know why I stand up in the morning because I know that in the evening I have to come back into this empty house. I hate it."

Spoken out and regrettet. But I was angry and I also had a right to be angry, didn't I? I couldn't interpret her look, but she was steady.

„Do you think Haley doesn't love you as much as you love her?" the therapist asked me.

„No, but I think she doesn't need me as much as I need her. But that's okay, I mean… that's who we are."

„That's nonsense", Haley mumbled with a shook of her head. Actually I think it was „That's nonsense", she really mumbled.

„Haley?"

„Nothing. Sorry."

The therapist nodded. „So, how was the familyday this week?"

„Good", Haley answered. „We were at the playground. I can't say that I liked it, but Jamie did."

„How is the situation between the two of you?" the _Red Lady_ asked. „How do you treat each other?"

„Carefully", I said and Haley nodded. „Horribly carefully."

„Listen, I do not want to push you into something, Haley, but… did you ever think about that it's probably easier to work things out if you two spend more time together. Daily things, like breakfast or dinner or some other things you did generally?"

I looked at Haley. It was all about her. One word and I would pack my stuff as faster as she could finish her line. On the other hand I was afraid of her answer. I hadn't lived at home for 5 weeks and I didn't even risk to ask anymore.

„Yes, I thought about it", Haley answered and gave me a brief look. „Honestly I think about it every day."

„And?" I did not want to say that loud. I did not want to interrupt that talk between Haley and the therapist. The _Red Lady_ couldn't deny a smile. „I'm sorry."

„Am I right in assuming that you want to come home, Nathan?" she asked me.

„I want to come home. I never wanted to leave."

„Haley", the therapist turned back to her.

„Well, I… I guess, James would be really happy."

Damn, I hated that wall. I knew that Jamie would be happy, but I wanted her to want me back home.

„What about you? Would you be happy, too? Do you miss him?"

I looked at Haley the whole time. I was so tense, it was horrible. What if she said no? What if she said, that she's still not ready yet?

„Yes, I do miss him. I really do. But… I'm afraid he probably expects more than… well, I…"

„I can sleep on the couch", I said. I answered really fast but I wanted to prevent that she changed her mind. I wanted to come home. „I'm good in it. I spent the most time on that couch since we live in that house."

The therapist smiled again. „So, is that a good offer for you, Haley?"

„Yes, I think it is okay."

I didn't know what to say or do. Should I hugged Haley or the therapist or should I drive home to Lucas house and pack my stuff? I couldn't believe it. „I can come home?"


	3. Chapter 3

After the session I got afraid that the dream was over bevor it even started. Jamie sat in the backseat and Haley stopped me to get into the car. Her look wasn't really warmth or nicely.

„What?" I asked.

„Because of you moving back to us."

I swallowed. I counted that she would tell me that it was to soon for her and that she didn't want me to move back into the house. No matter what, I promised myself that I would stay steady. I would fall into self-pity and everything that belongs to it later but not in front of her. „Yeah?"

„I thought maybe it's better to talk to Jamie before you come back. So maybe we could wait till tomorrow? We could talk to him later and when you pick him up from school tomorrow you can bring back your stuff." She looked at me with this _I got you_-look. „What do you think?" Then she started laughing and indicated on me. „I knew exactly what you were expecting."

„My dear …" I rolled my eyes and shook my head. „You totally know how to create tension, don't you?"

Jamie was happy and I wished I could have shared his euphoria, but unfortunately I got a damp by the fact that the kid was still sleeping in my bed. He loved it, but he told me that if I wanted to sleep in my bed again he would go back into his own room. There were a lot of things I would have loved to do in my bed but sleeping.

I packed my stuff and moved back home. It was a strange feeling, but when I stood in front of the familypicture in bedroom while putting my underwear back into the drawer I didn't feel like a stranger anymore.

A few minutes after 9 pm Jamie went to bed and I thought I would get some alonetime with Haley. That was my wish, alonetime with her in our house without someone leaving for the night. But she followed the kid into the bed and so I ended up alone - a few minutes after 9 pm. Enjoyable… right? My couch or Lucas's couch, there wasn't a difference. I sat there all alone and it was very quiet around me.

I tried to comfort myself with the fact that I wouldn't be alone at breakfast in the morning and stared at the ceiling what brings back my daydream from the wedding-day. Now I was back home, but still alone. I wondered what she would do if I tried to kiss her now. I never would have tried it then, but now I did not expect a slap anymore if I would. But I also knew that I wouldn't try it.

„Are you awake?"

I was frightened and looked to the stairs. I didn't see very much, only her silhouette. I turned on the light and a second later I wished I hadn't. She wore a tight top and some of my old boxershorts. Basically it doesn't matter what she is wearing. She's always totally naked in my thoughts, but after months without seeing her naked and without touching her every centimeter skin was a challenge for my self-control. „Are you okay?"

„Yes, everything's fine, I just couldn't sleep." She looked at me. „Neither could you, hm?"

„Well, I… I don't sleep very well since weeks and especially not at 9 pm."

She laughed. „Yes, I know … I still don't feel good by leaving him alone, you know?"

„Yeah, I know."

She sat down beside me and looked at me. „Listen, I want to apologize."

My girl has beautiful legs. „What for?"

„I guess I'm not as innocent as I wish I am about our situation and the escalation."

Hardly surprising that men don't understand women, right? I mean, what the hell was she talking about?

„Honestly, Nathan, do you feel wronged? I mean, for everything. Do you think I expect too much?"

I still did not know where this should end up. „Maybe a little." I was scared to say the wrong words, but she seemed like she wanted to talk. „Well, it seemed that everyone wants to blame me for something I never did and never wanted to do."

She nodded.

„I know last year sucked, Hales, and I know it was my fault and I also know that you're really disappointed about that and I understand that. But I guess I really could handle it better if you would yell at me or punching me or swear at me. I know I deserve it. Everything would be better than this wall."

She looked at me. „You know where it came from? The wall? A few weeks ago I had a dream… a nightmare. Jamie was crying and I tried to soothe him. I told him that everythings gonna be okay and that momma is here. And he said, he wants his other momma. Then I went to the bedroom to tell you about it and you were busy with Carrie. You didn't say a word when I came in. Then I woke up."

Imagine that was disgusting. And are there really men on this planet who use their marriage-bed for sex with another woman? Again, disgusting. I know that wasn't the point but it came to my mind.

„Well, then I came home and you stood with her in front of the shower and you both were naked and you didn't say a word. And Jamie…"

I nodded. I did not want to hear again that the kid said I hate you to his mother. „Yes."

„I guess I overreacted in the bathroom", she said and bite on her lower lip. I wondered if she knew how sexy that was. „I'm sorry."

„Well, actually your behavior at the pool was worse", I replied.

„Yeah, god, I'm sorry for that, too. I didn't mean it. I just was … angry and disappointed and shocked." She hunched her shoulders. „Really, I'm sorry."

I did not feel better when she started to apologize. I thought I would but I didn't. „No, come on, Hales, it's not your fault. That's ridiculous. You don't have to be sorry for being hurt and shocked. I mean…" I closed my eyes briefly, then I looked at her. "I'm sorry. For everything. The whole last year… all the promises I made and… you deserve better."

„So do you."

Everywhere in the house are pictures. Someone once said, you will never find bad memories on pictures. And damn that's true. „We had some great years, Haley."

„Yeah."

„But now I think… maybe I was too selfish. I got everything and you got…"

„No!" she interrupted me and shook her head. „I wanted it, Nathan. I wanted you to get whatever you wished for. And I knew that this was probably your only chance whereas I can sing whenever I want to. My voice is never getting too old."

I looked at her and she looked so innocent. It remembered me the first day I talked to her when I asked her for tutoring me. I don't know why, but that was the moment I remembered.

„I don't regret it. I was proud of you." She smiled at me. „And I'm still proud of you. And I know you're not and I also know that you are very insecure about who you are and I guess I cou… I should have been more thoughtful. I should have been there and I should have tried to talk to you about everything. Instead I kind of hushed it and tried to go back to normal, but there was no normal for you anymore. And I knew that. I know you."

God, I love her.

„Same here, right?" I liftet my eybrowns. „I know you, too. And I know how easy you became insecure. And even if I still don't know why, I know you do… and I wasn't thoughtful either."

„So, we're both ignorant?"

„Well…" That was the first time since weeks we laughed together.

„There is something else I need to talk about", she said.

„Okay."

She looked down and started playing with her fingers. „Do you really think I don't need you?"

„I think you're stronger than I am. That's all."

„I don't think so." She looked at me again. „Do you think I'm strong now?"

„More stubborn." I laughed and she punched me. „But yes, you are strong. Even if things aren't how they used to be, you hold it together. Everything. Daily routine goes on and you handle it. No matter what's going on around you. You are strong."

„Yeah, but…"

„And I'm not. I'm not good in being alone. I think that's probably because I always was alone. When I met you I realized that my family is not a good family and that we're not normal. And if you once got this feeling to be a part of something special you don't wanna lose it again. When I'm not with you, my daily routine doesn't work anymore. I lose control… and the result is what you got when you came back from the tour."

She nodded and put a hand on my cheek. I guess for her it was a big moment of intimacy, but my thoughts were defintly adult-rated. Thank god I got the coverlet over my legs.

„I'm going back to bed", she said and smiled at me. „Good night."

I looked after her and sighed quietly. „And I go swimming." Obviously I said it louder than I wanted to.

„Now?!" She turned around and looked confused. „But it's cold."

Well, that was the reason. „That's okay, I like it."

„Okay. See you tomorrow."

„Yes."

* * *

I wish I could say something changed, but it didn't. We lived beside each other, but not with each other. Yeah, the breakfast was a family thing and it was great and yes, the evenings weren't that lonely anymore. And I really enjoyed that. But I slept alone and I didn't even get a kiss or a hug or something.

We never talked again like we did in the first night.

We had a family day again that week and we went to the park again. It almost ended up in a disaster when Jamie saw an iceman and decided to run to him. Haley got panic when she looked around and didn't see him anymore.

I don't know who was more shocked. Haley because she was totally panicky or Jamie who got a wigging by his mother even though he only run away maybe fifty meters.

He was pretty taciturn for the rest of the day and he was totally devoted to Haley, too. I guess she knew why and I guess she said something to him. She knew she was overreacting. But I think it was understandable after all she had been through.

I still could slap myself for the last months.

One night when it was raining I stood up and went out into the rain. I don't know why but I stood there at the pool almost one hour. Rain is something special for me. It became something special because of Haley. And basketball is something special, too. Sometimes I drove to the gym at night to feel it again. I missed my life.

The fourth session was very calm. We talked about the past, our familys, Lucas, friends, Jamie, not very much about us. The only thing I felt a pleasant anticipation for were the last minutes when we talked about things we loved about each other. A few seconds I got some nice words from my wife.

I started to lose the session-hope. Okay, I was back home and being with Jamie was wonderful, but at last nothing changed. I wanted Haley and Haley… wanted nothing. So I kept waiting and hoped almost every night for something and nothing happend.

I had the feeling that the therapist realized my resignation. Of course I would come to the sessions as long as Haley wanted to go there. There still was a little hope, but it was getting smaller and smaller. She told me things she loved about me, but actually all I wanted to hear was "I love YOU".

My problem reminded me about the first months of our relationship, except the fact that we didn't even kiss yet. I was allowed to look but I wasn't allowed to touch. So… back to the roots, right? If the person you need and want more than anything else is living with you, but you can't make a move, it's pretty depressing and I started to get a little aggressive. And it was pretty hard to stop staring at her. I don't know if she realized it, I don't care about. Eight months without sex, I was really fading, even though the first four months were all my fault. Probably the whole eight months were my fault which depressed me even more.

„It's gonna be late today. There's a meeting after school", Haley said in the morning.

„Okay." I looked after her. She wore a black just-about-the-knee-style skirt, a white blouse and her hair was pinned up. Wow! „Haley."

„Yeah?" She turned around and looked at me.

„You look beautiful."

I got a little smile and a thank you, but I'm not sure if she really believed me or if she thought it was just a try to pull her. Even I couldn't say it.

The night before the fifth session Jamie stood in front of the couch and grinned at me. „One of us should be asleep, boy."

„I'm awake", he replied and ended up sitting on my lap. He leaned his head against me. „Momma is sleeping."

Well, even one person in this house could sleep.

„Daddy, why is momma crying that often?"

I felt horrible and guilty. It wasn't a good example we gave that kid. Things had to change soon. For him and hell, for me, too.

„I always pretend to sleep", he said. „Do you think she's crying for me? Because I run away to that iceman?"

„No!" I kissed his forehead und cradled him. „She's not crying because of you. I promise. It's not your fault."

„But why is she crying?" he asked.

I laid down, he laid on me and I pulled the sheet on us. „Because of me."

„Did you bother her again?"

Again? What was I, an harassment on feets? „Everything is gonna be okay." That was all that came to my mind. „I promise, I'll take care of it."

He fell asleep on me. I considered to get him back to the bed, but then I decided to keep him with me. It wasn't comfortable, but I wasn't alone and that was great. I felt needed. That was ridiculous, he would have slept everywhere. But anyhow…

And after a while I fell asleep, too and got to be awaked by some noises and someone sniffed and stamped and said something. When I opened my eyes I saw Haley standing in front of me. She looked scared off and relieved at the same time. I needed a little moment before I realized what had happend. She woke up and Jamie wasn't there anymore.

„I'm sorry", I whispered. „He came down and then he fell asleep and… I wanted…"

„It's okay", she replied and smiled.

Theoretical we could be in our bed and I could take her in my arms and this would be a really great familycuddle or something like that. But the couch was too small for all three of us.

„I can take him back if you want?" I asked. She wore my boxershorts again. Where the hell did she found that old stuff?

„No. No, it's okay. I… I was just frightened. Go to sleep again. I'll go back to bed." _I'll go back to bed… but you have to stay out._ I looked after her, like I always did and sighed briefly. Jamie slept like dead and I started to be worried by waking up in the morning because my arm would be totally dead then, too.

Well, I needed a little time to use my arm again the next morning. I started to do breakfast, which means I made the coffee. Haley came down and she was wearing the exactly same outfit like she did in my raining-in-the-kitchen-dream. „My dear."

Okay, I didn't want to say that loudly but please, what else should I say?

„What?" she asked.

I hunched my shoulders. „Nothing. Nice… you… you look really nice."

That whole no-sex-thing but living together again and waiting for whatever was not healthy for me.

I guess she still didn't believe me, her look was strange every time I gave her a compliment. She thanked me and then she started to make toast.

Unfortnately I couldn't get concentrate on anything else than her. „Okay… I… I'll take a shower."

„Mh, we don't have any warm water", she replied. „I don't know why, we have to call the plumber."

„God, I can't remember my last warm shower. Trust me, I don't need any warm water!" I guess it sounded a lot more gruffly than it should.

* * *

It was like a doom-loop. I took a shower - a cold one of course. And when I came out of the bathroom Haley stood in front of the wardrobe wearing nothing more than her underwear. The first thing I saw was the 23 tatoo above her ass. I love it. But wasn't she dressed when I went up to take a shower? Wasn't her dress the reason why I needed the shower? „What's wrong now?"

She turned around and looked at me. I could have done the same, turn around and going back into the next cold shower.

„I poured the coffee over my clothes", she answered. „I have to change."

It was obviously that she felt uncomfortable, but she didn't had anything to cover herself.

„It's okay, Haley, it's not that I never saw it before." I took my black jeans and the grey shirt including my underwear and the socks and wanted to leave the sleepingroom to dress up somewhere else. „Actually, sometimes I feel as if I will never see it again."

A few minutes later she showed up in the kitchen again, now she wore jeans, a black top and a short-sleeved blouse. I tried to not concetrate on her. Of course that didn't work out and I got the feeling that if nothing would changed, this would end up in a really big fight sooner or later.

„You don't need to pick up Jamie today", she said. „We meet at the therapist."

Before I could say anything she left together with Jamie and I was alone in the house. Alone and angry.

In the afternoon we had our fifth session and we talked about anything that had happen - again.

„I guess I still find it hard to let Jamie out of my sight. Its just… It's only been a month since he was abducted. Is it so crazy that I would still hear echoes from that day, that I would still be a little overprotective?"

„Protective or overprotective?" the _Red Lady_ asked. „You said overprotective."

Definitely overprotective!

„Okay." Haley hunched her shoulder. „You said it yourself. Identification is the first step to recovery, right?"

„How have things been going since Nathan moved home?" the therapist asked.

„Better."

We both answered, but even a second later I thougt it was wrong to answer. It was wrong to answer with „better", because I did not really get the feeling that it was much better than before. I wish I had someone who told me what exactly I should do.

The _Red Lady_ crossed her legs and looked at us. „We've spent the past four sessions discussing you and Nathan as a couple, as parents to Jamie. Let's talk about you as individuals. Who are you, Haley?"

„You mean, like, what do I do for a living, or what are my hobbies, or…"

„No, I mean who are you?"

And through that question we got easly to „What do you want?". And I really think that was the first time she asked us about what we want. My chance. It's so much easier to talk to her than to talk to Haley about what I want, because I know the therapist won't say „It's too soon" or „It's too much".

„I want my family back", I answered. „And I want Haley to trust me again. I want her to look at me the way she used to and see a better man than maybe I'll ever be. And then I want to be that man. And I will be. For her and for Jamie."

But to become that man she has to look at me again.

„I want to believe in Nathan again", Haley said. „And I want to believe in the goodness of people. And I want my son to be safe, and I want him to be great, and I want that greatness to be seen and appreciated. That's what I want."

Did we want the same things? I wanted to ask her what I had to do to make her believe in me again and I wanted to know when exactly she stopped believing in me. On the other hand… do I really want to know that?

„Let's talk about your past." The therapist looked at me.

My favourite theme. But meanwhile I had become hardened. I wasn't that careful with my answers anymore and I didn't get a guilty conscience about my feelings anymore. It was strange. I knew I had made some mistakes, probably many mistakes, but that's who I am. And it's not that I've ever been a different person. If she loves me, she's gonna love me with all my mistakes. „My problems with my past are of my own doing", I answered laid-back. „I'm stubborn and I have a temper and I don't always make the best decisions."

„It must have been very difficult for you coming so close to the NBA. Do you think about that much?"

Everytime. „Sometimes." Why didn't I answer „Everytime"? „I mean, sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night and I walk through town, past the school, past the gym. I can still hear the echoes, you know?"

It's not everytime. It's only when life sucks and life sucks without Haley. Life sucks when my marriage isn't in good order. That's the part I have to deal with.

„You never told me that", Haley said and looked at me.

I got worried that she would come up with the next „You don't let me in"-line. I wanted to prevent that, because it was nothing like that. Not really. Or maybe it was exactly like that. „It's not something I'm all that proud of. It's like… look, I'm not… I'm not good with being vulnerable. In fact, this is probably the closest I've come to it… Well, the second closest."

„What was the first?" the _Red Lady_ asked.

I remember the first time when I decided to be as honest as I never was before in my entire life. It's still one of the best nights I've ever had, one of the happiest moments in my life, even though it didn't start out very well. „When I was a junior in high school, I took some… stuff to help me with my game. Drugs. And it was a stupid thing to do. I ended up collapsing on the court and my father was all about, you know, covering it up for the scouts. Anyway…", I shook my head and swallowed. „When I left the hospital, I went to see Haley because I needed to know if she could forgive me. I wanted to see if I still had the chance to be great in her eyes."

Haley looked at me and I really think that was the first time since weeks I could get through that wall. There was something in her eyes, something warm, something great.

I continued. „And when she did, when she forgave me … that was the moment that everything changed for me. That was the moment I fell in love with her. This girl who could see past all the mistakes I've made."

What would I had given for a moment like that right now? What would I had given to feel so comfortable again? „I don't know. I guess maybe sometimes I screw her up because I want to feel that again."

That was a really poor confession, wasn't it? I hurt her because I want to feel that again? I looked down. „I suppose that sounds pretty broken."

Well, the therapist disagreed with that. She said it's totally normal that I want to feel the same again. But she said that I should probably changed my way because risking my marriage again and again only to get that feeling back could end up worse for me. Funny … really.

„I think not knowing is the hardest part", Haley started to talk. „Just not knowing what our marriage means to Nathan. If he still wants the same things out of our relationship that I want, if he still finds me sexy or if he still wants me."

„How could you not know that?" I was pretty serious. Wasn't it obviously what I wanted? How could she not know that? Or feel it? How many compliments did she need to hear? Did she ever listen to me? Well, yeah, she listened to me but she did not believe it.

„The name Carrie comes to mind."

I wished someone would wake me up from that nightmare and took me back to the time where everything was fine. Or maybe back to the moment where I should have fired Carrie and didn't do it.

„Why didn't you just tell me about the flirting?" Haley asked me. I could see the tears in her eyes and I remembered Jamie's words. She's still crying because of me.

„I don't know."

„Did you like it?"

„Maybe. Maybe I just needed it." Making a spontaneous answer maybe increased the honesty, but honesty is not always the best thing I guess. I'm pretty sure she did not want to hear that and I did not wanted to say that. It sounded like I enjoyed it or liked Carrie and that was wrong. It was not about Carrie, never.

„Why?" She had tears in her eyes, she looked so disappointed, so insecure. „Because I don't flirt with you after a long day of wrestling with Highschoolstudents and parenting our son?"

I shook my head. „No. Because you don't look at me like that anymore."

Wow, now she had a really… different look in her eyes. I guess she did not expect that answer, even I did not expect that answer.

„And I get it, you know. I haven't been worthy of that look from you in a long time. But, god, Haley, I just…" Not much and I would have started to cry, too. „I miss that." And I need it and I love it and I want it…

Her tears really hurt me. I never wanted to make her cry. I did not understand how she could ever doubt that I want her, only her and no one else. Well, damn, I could understand it. I knew that feeling, I felt it, too, once. And back then she probably felt as helpless as I did now. God, her look was fatal. I think she was speechless, but I wasn't sure if that was something good.

„When was the first time you felt a sense of accomplishment, Nathan?" the _Red Lady_ interrupted our look.

Back again to me and my deficit of attention. „It was when I started playing basketball."

„And the support of your father?"

„When I started playing basketball."

„And this year, all that stopped. All the praise and adoration… at least until your nanny started swimming naked."

I rolled my eyes. Really, I hated that theme, it was like a shadow whereever I was and whatever I said. Nothing had happend and nothing would have happend and nothing will ever happen between me and that… and Carrie or any other girl!

„It's not the craziest case of transference I've ever heard."

That did not make me feel better. Quite the contrary. If it would have been Haley instead of me who needed … whatever because she got the feeling that I didn't look at her anymore… that would really hurt me. I'm an ass. I guess I should be happy that I'm back home right now and I guess I should be happy that she did not push us into a divorce but giving me this chance. I felt ungrateful to her.

„So, what, I need to start swimming naked for my husband's ego?" Haley asked softly.

And I felt guilty again and I have to feel guilty for what I did. There's no way that I had the right to be angry about her because she needs time to trust me again. I had to be thankfull for every little step she's making forward to me. „No, you don't." She still had tears in her face. But she did not look at me anymore. „Haley, this is not your fault. It's not."

„Why not swim naked?" the therapist interposed. „You could try it together. It might be fun. After all, you are 22."

Haley wiped away the tears and smiled a little, but I don't think it was an honesty smile.

„Tell me something. When was the last time the two of you did something really young and foolish together?"

I guess the last time we were a little foolish was Honey Grove.

„With all due respect, we have been married more than 6 years. We have a son who's almost 5. We don't get to be young", Haley replied.

But somehow I did not wanted to hear that. Even though we were married and had a kid we couldn't do anything … foolish and crazy anymore?

„Everyone gets to be young…", the therapist disagreed. „Especially when you are." She looked at me. „Let's talk a little more about basketball, Nathan. I find it interesting that when you describe yourselves, you describe being parents and spouses and siblings and friends, but, Nathan, you never once described yourself as a basketball player."

I hunched my shoulders. „That's because I'm not anymore."

„Why not?"

Stupid question. „That's what happens when your spine gets crushed."

„And the doctors definitively said you couldn't play?"

„There's no such thing as definitively, but… nobody's ever come back from something like this before."

„But you're Nathan Scott."

„I'm not that Nathan Scott." Actually, I'm nobody anymore. I once said it loudly, I'm nothing. And that's how I felt. There was no other option for me in my life. It was always all about basketball. My whole life was build around that game. And now there was no basketball anymore, no dream anymore, no future. Being 22 and having no aspect for the next 20 years is really daunting.

* * *

Maybe I should have chosen something other than sport for my life, something I couldn't lose. Like music. Who cares that I can't sing? That doesn't really matter today.

„And, Haley, you never refer to yourself as a musician", the therapist said.

„Yeah. Well, I haven't recorded in a really long time."

„Why not?"

„I had a son to raise, and Nathan's accident."

That's what she said. I guess it was more than that, I know it was more than that. We never talked about it. She never tried to get back to the music and I never asked her about. I know why I didn't - because music and her big talent is still something that freaks me out, something that brings back all the bad memories. It's not fair… but it's how I feel.

„And now?" the _red Lady_ asked.

Haley could get back to the music. Actually she had the right friend in common, Peyton with her record-lable would probably be pleased to help her. And nothing could stop her. No injury, no stupidity, no accident, nothing.

„Now I still have a son to raise because I haven't found a really unattractive nanny yet."

She laughed a little, so it's funny now? Whatever, I wasn't in the the right mood to laugh.

The _red Lady_ harrumphed. „Look, I'm only as intelligent as the diplomas on my wall, but here's a thought. Maybe you aren't the people you fell in love with because neither of you is trying to be the people you fell in love with."

That was probably the truth, but it was also the truth that I still don't know why that girl loves me, why she ever fell in love with me. And on that basis it would be almost impossible to get it back. But she was right. We lost a lot. Fun, passion and some other things.

The session got really interesting. I did not expect anything to change, I gave up on this, but for the first time I started to think about my future, me. Not without Haley, of course, but I knew that I couldn't keep living like that - being at home the whole day with nothing to do.

Then we were talking about our age.

„You both have individual passions, individual gifts, individual dreams. And you should, especially at your age", the _red Lady_ said. „Maybe if you spent a little more time being selfish 22-year-olds, you might love yourself a bit more and resent each other a bit less."

„I don't resent Haley or Jamie", I disagreed. I never did that. There's no life without them, there's no chance that I will ever give up on them or move on without them. „I mean they're the two best things that ever happened to me."

Point.

„Yeah", Haley nodded. „I agree with that. We're the best things that ever happened to him."

She got back her humor. That was really great and yes, we laughed a little. Probably not as much as we would have in another situation, but it was great. I love her smile, I love to see her happy. I missed that. I wanted to hold her… just hold her. She laughed.

„No", she shook her head. „I agree that Nathan and Jamie are the best and most important things that I have."

I guess that was the moment I realised why she was so hurt. Someone you don't care about can't hurt you, but someone who's one of the most important things in your life… can easily break your heart. I could have slapped myself at this moment. I knew that feeling, I lived with that feeling when she once left me. Why is it so hard to allow these feelings to someone else?

„What about music?" the therapist continued. „I asked Nathan this before. What was it like, hearing the cheers of enthusiastic, sold-out crowds every night?"

„Incredible. It was humbling and wonderful."

„But it took you away from Nathan."

„Yeah, we really struggled then."

Well, it was more me who struggled, not her. Would I be afraid again when it comes to music? Would she ever leave me again for music? Would she ever fall for a guy like Chris Keller again? Would she ever choose something else over me? Just a few seconds in my mind - the answer to all that questions is NO. She wouldn't. And I knew that, I knew it since she came back. I felt horrible, like a jealous child. She deserved more than that.

„I mean, I'm not avoiding music now because I'm afraid that that's gonna happen again", Haley said.

Why didn't I believe her? She's very insecure when it comes to her music and the reason is me. I remembered our talk at home and I also remembered when I said that I'm not sure this won't ever happen again. I am sure. And she has to know that.

„Good", the _red Lady_ nodded. „Leaving Jamie out of all this, would you say those were your best days, where you were happiest with yourself?"

„I wasn't proud of myself because I knew Nathan was hurting. But personally, I guess I loved it, yeah."

„What about you, Nathan? Best days ever… playing basketball in front of thousands?"

„The road trips sucked because I was away from Haley and Jamie, but for me… yeah." And god, I miss it. The game, the applause, the fans, the interviews, the praise, the love, the support… everything.

„If you could have those days back, do you think you might do things differently? Maybe treat each other a bit differently in the face of those dreams?"

Holy… that was the first question I did not have to think about the answer. „Yeah."

„Definitely", Haley said by conviction, too.

„Maybe you can. Maybe you will."

I was always sure that I would never play basketball again, simply because I missed a whole year without playing and without training. It was eight months ago since I put a ball into the basket. But the _red Lady_ was right, we should keep our dreams and probably work on them and maybe there is a chance to get some dreams back alive. And even if I would never get a comeback, I have to live to it.

I looked at Haley and took her hand. Our fingers engaged and I was more confused than ever. What would happen now?

Time was almost over and it was a weird feeling. Similar to Lucas' and Lindsay's bachelorparty. As if I would wait for a chance to say what I had to day, but actually I didn't really know what to say.

„Now, we're nearly out of time, so let's end this session as we have every week", the therapist said. „Haley, tell me some things you love about Nathan."

My 30 seconds of luck in every session.

„I love that he's here with me every week without fail", she said and put her hand on my thigh. Thank god we weren't alone. „And I love that he holds himself accountable for his mistakes. And I love that he's so protective over me and Jamie."

I still wanted to hear a simply „I love YOU".

„And I love that shirt that he's wearing…"

Okay, that wasn't really relevant to the rest, wasn't it. It was a compliment, like when I said „You look beautiful".

„And maybe the way he wears it."

It sounded a little like an invitation, but it was absolutely possible that I misinterpreted it because… well… I hated the cold showers. I really did.

„Nathan?" The therapist looked at me.

The alarm clock rings, the session was over. No chance for me to say anything.

„It's okay, really", Haley hunched her shoulders. „I'm not that great at taking a compliment."

Yeah, I could confirm that easily. But I felt kind of betrayed. There was a lot I wanted to tell her, I needed to tell her, things she obvisiouly doubted about - but shouldn't.

„Oh, well, we'll be working on that next week, then", the _red Lady_ was joking. Then she looked at us with a nice and comforting smile. „You two are going to be okay. I really think so."

We have to be… there is no alternate.

„Thanks." Haley looked at me and smiled. She smiled very often today. Was that a good sign? I hoped so.


	4. Chapter 4

We went home seperatly, because we had met at the therapy. At home it was like it was before, there was this tension. We were still very careful, no one said anything. I followed her to the sleepingroom, where she started to prepare the bed.

„Quiet around here without Jamie", I said. I realised that I didn't even know where the kid was, but honestly I used him for starting a conversation because I was afraid of the silence.

„Yeah", Haley answered. „He's with Brooke."

I got the feeling that he would probably stay out for the night. And I felt self-pity coming up because I knew we wouldn't use that night.

„Baby steps", Haley smiled at me.

I nodded. „Yeah." I watched her. I felt helpless. Why was it so much easier to talk to each other and to reach each other with the therapist? That wasn't normal. There must be a way to break that wall when we were alone. First of all - I had to keep the communication alive. „How you sleeping these days?"

„So so." She laughed a little, but it wasn't like the session-laugh, it was more reserved, like if she tried to keep the conversation alive, too. „Jamie tosses around like a tasmanian devil."

„He should probably get back to his own bed soon", I said it and I regretted it. Really, I wanted to get back into my bed and the kid slept there since weeks. But I guess that wasn't what Haley wanted to hear. „Separation thing."

I couldn't assess her look. „Or he can sleep in the spare bedroom with me."

I probably saved the little talk, but having the kid sleeping with me was not what I wanted. Almost two months ago I spent the last night in that bed - that were the thoughts that crossed my mind in that moment. And almost eight months since we were who we used to be in that bed. „You know, sometimes I find your goodness staggering."

I said it without thinking about it before. Probably the right choice. She looked at me, she looked so vulnerable and insecure and all I wanted was to take that away from her. „I didn't get a chance to tell you in the session, but… your kindness is overwhelming, Haley. I mean, you saved my life."

Just only a part of what I needed her to know and to believe. I lifted my eybrown and smiled at her. „And if I haven't said it lately, you're also sexy as hell."

I got the same look as always. She smiled a little, she looked thankfully and then she turned around and didn't look at me anymore. I guess that was my cue. What else could I say or do? I decided to leave her alone. If she wanted to talk to me again, I would be around.

„Hey."

I turned back to her and looked at her. She still looked vulnerable and insecure, as if she was afraid of something.

She wasn´t able to keep on looking into my eyes, like she was nervous. „I was thinking… not sleeping in this bed might not be so bad tonight if you wanted to try it with me."

For a split second I thought I had a daydream. Then I needed almost two seconds to realise what she said and one second to make sure that I understood what she meant. The third second was my moment of clarity and nothing kept me at the door anymore.

I couldn't believe that this really happend. I took her face in my hands and kissed her. All I thought was, to keep her close to me, don't let her off, not for a second. I lifted her up and put her on the bed.

„You got any more of that sexy talk?"

Stop kissing? I was a little confused, I didn't expect to talk again. But whatever she wanted to do, I would have done. I looked at her.

„What? The kindness stuff or the sexy stuff?" I asked her and tried to unbottened her blouse, without leaving her look.

„Sexy", she said.

„You have a serious ass, Haley James."

She laughed. I softly kissed her and decided to continue. I put off my shirt and kissed her again. Really, I did not wanted to waist any time anymore. I wanted her, I needed her and I got her. It felt like forever since we kissed and made out and were together. It felt wonderful. I put my hand under her shirt, I felt her skin, it was…

I turned us around so she laid on me. It was easier to get under her clothes when she was above me. And I was almost close to her bra by seconds.

„Wait…", she stopped kissing me.

„What?" I got scared and worried, that she probably would end it before it even started. Maybe it was too soon, maybe she still wasn't ready. I tried to remember my moments of clarity at the session, I tried to remember my feelings when I was hurt and so I tried to be overindulged. „Do you want me to go?"

She looked confused. „To where?"

Now I was confused. „I don't know. Out of the room… under the shower. It's still cold, isn't it?" I smiled at her and she answered that smile, but there was something else. „Do you want me to leave you alone."

She closed her eyes briefly und shook her head. "No." I could see tears again.

„Hales…"

She laid down and put her face on my neck. Her hand was on my cheek and she sniffled a few times. „Hold me. Just… hold me."

I did and I guess I really rose above myself when I said „Baby, we don't have to do that, it's okay", because I'm pretty sure she could feel that I lied. Actually it was obvious, even through the jeans. By the second she started to shake a little and I wasn't sure if she was crying or laughing.

She kissed my neck and my cheek and came up with a smile in her face and tears in her eyes. She sat up on me, wipped her tears away and looked at me with her bright brown eyes and that look I missed so much. The wall was broken. I don't know how, but I broke it and all I felt was a big relief.

„We have to do that, Nathan." She pulled her blouse and her shirt over her head and threw it through the room.

I took that as a cue and get up, put my arms around her waist and kissed her with all the passion, love and desire I felt. It felt so good, so right, so wonderful. When we stopped kissing breathless she kept her look on me while getting off her bra. She smiled at me and started to fondle with her fingertips all over my face.

It felt like a dream. I wanted this so much and for so long that I couldn't really believe it was happening. She looked so beautiful, so happy and so comfortable.

„I love you", she whispered and kissed me softly. „God, I love you."

I kept my eyes closed for a little while to let her words come down to me, before I took her face in my hands and looked her straight in the eyes. „You have no idea how long I waited to hear this three little words from you."

My fingers caressed her back up and down while we were just sat there and looked at each other. Just a few little moments before we couldn't stand the tension anymore. Eight months…

* * *

She lay half on me, her arm embraced me and I caressed her back. I felt her breath on my skin and I felt her warmth. I felt like being home again, as if I arrived where I belonged to. It was a really long way.

„I missed you", she said and moved closer to me. „I missed us. I really did."

„Me, too."

„It's really hard to be abstinent when you're around", she said and smiled at me. „I mean… you know."

Oh yeah, I do.

„Like this morning, when you wore nothing more than a towel", she continued. „Made me a little fantasize."

„Really?" I laughed. I immediatly remembered my dirty mind and I also remembered that I never expected her to have the same thoughts. „Tell me about."

„I had some really nice fantasys about you… and me lately." She sighed. „You know, the night when you stood in front of the house for almost one hour and you didn't came in… that was really hard for me. I saw you there and I knew why you were here and what you wanted and it really hurt me to see you out there… like a stranger. I was thinking about going down and ask you to stay."

"I didn't know where else I should go that night. I didn't want to be alone at Lucas' house, so I went out and ended up in front of the house."

Her fingers fondled my chest. "I know, I mean, I knew that. I knew you were lonely and I know you hate it to be alone. Like that other night when it was raining and you stood at the pool, that was really… sexy."

I laughed again when I looked at her. Her eyes where bright and full of love. Finally! „What… what are you doing at nights, Haley? Lurking behind the window?"

She laughed, too, and propped herself up on my upper body to look me in the eyes. „Sometimes. In those nights I get a… feeling, you know, like… something's wrong, something's not how it used to be. Anyway, seeing you standing there reminded me of some really great moments and a part of me was thinking about getting some new rain-memories."

A part of me got some new rain-memories. „Why didn't you come down… both times?" I asked her.

She looked down and put her chin on my chest. „Because I was afraid to let you in again but probably won't be … letting in. And I thought that it doesn't matter if I'll go down or not, it wouldn't change what happend and I was hurt and…"

She was still hurt. I kissed her forehead. „I can't change it, I wish I could. I'm so…"

„Shh", she put a finger an my lips and looked at me again. I could see it in her eyes. Love, lust, trust, everything I needed to see. Everything the wall kept from me for months. „I know. It's okay. I guess I need a little time to get over everything, but I will. We will."

I smiled at her and I was so thankful. „What did I do or say in your fantasies?"

„We didn't talk very much. Mostly we were naked and happy." She smiled.

I touched her cheek lightly and kept my eyes on her. She looked so beautiful. My priority was to prevent that anything of this will ever happen again. I never wanted to come that close to lose everything I love. I never wanted to end up alone in front of the house. „I will."

„You will what?"

„I will let you in. I mean, I will try to let you in. Maybe sometimes I'll pass by the moment, but I will try to let you in, no matter what it is. No secrets anymore. I'll let you in. I promise. Always."

She nodded, put her hand on my cheek and robbed up a little to kiss me. God, I missed that. „Always…", she whispered on my lips. „Always and forever."

„And forever", I repeated and kissed her softly. The soft kiss turned into a really passionate kiss which turned into a lot more than kissing - again… and again…

_The world is full of magic. You just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it… with all your heart._

**The End**


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